I received this from a wonderful sister in greif and wanted to post it to Austin's site in hope that in reading this you may feel just a bit of what our family now feels.....

I want you to try to imagine the worst thing in the world that your beloved child died.. Let me explain to you the reality…try to imagine if you can never seeing your child again never hearing her laugh never hearing the sound of their voice never smelling the scent you have come to recognize as your child.. Never hearing them say “I love you”…nothing - just silence emptiness. Now imagine never seeing your child’s smile never seeing her upset or happy never watching her sleep…missing them so much that you are twisted up inside and the pain stays with you 24/7 you smell their pillow their clothes you look at her pictures and can only cry - what happened why!?.. You have never felt longing like this in your life! Longing to hear her voice to see her face again…and to know deep in your soul you cannot fix it. Now imagine every single thing that used to give you joy and pleasure turns into hurt and despair overnight. Not a gradual thing but going from pleasure to hurt from happiness to sadness from peace to no peace changing overnight. Every thing you loved now hurts like hell…
For example: music I used to love music it gave me pleasure I didn’t realize how much music was a part of my life and how it is everywhere now I cannot listen to it it sears me like a red hot knife with the pain of losing my child it cuts me wide open.. Like the old song The Day the Music Died that’s me... And believe it or not almost every song reminds me of the void in my life without my child I am not unique in that pain - if you lost a child you would know.That is just one little example of how your life is affected by the loss of your child. Just ONE example! You feel the loss with every thought every emotion The loss bleeds into every aspect of your life. Even with your other children you still love your other children just as much as always but as hard as it is even they hurt you now because when you see them you feel the LOSS the loss of the child that died not being with their siblings. It doesn't’ fit there is a piece missing your whole life doesn't’t fit anymore. Everything that felt right now feels wrong. And of course there is always the missing the horrible gut wrenching out of your control missing…
As good parents we were always able to fix things or make things better for our children.. This we cannot fix cannot make it better. So on top of everything else you are feeling you also feel helpless..out of control and hopeless…and this is universal every parent that truly loves their child will feel this. Are you starting to imagine now how it feels? And you are doing this exercise for 10 minutes imagine really imagine feeling this way 24/7 -
Day after day month after month and no matter what you are doing or who you are talking to a tape of your child plays over and over in your mind. Your child when she was a baby a laughing happy little girl a cute young teen a wonderful young man or women and it always plays in your head and you do not want to forget even a single second of your beautiful child’s life…but that is a fear you have that as time passes you will start to forget…so now please add FEAR to the list of emotions. This is what it really feels like. A part of you has died don’t just read the words FEEL them - died gone forever… a real beautiful living part of you has died… and you are still living left behind to try to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and not having a clue where to even begin. No wonder a high percentage of marriages break up parents have breakdowns turn to alcohol drugs or a destructive way of life. NO WONDER!!!!!
A part of you does not exist anymore and it is scary as hell.. That is why they say the loss of a child is like no other loss.. You cannot compare it to another loss with other losses you grieve and you are of course sad but when your child dies a part of you ceases to exist gone just like that gone no warning just gone.
And the life that you knew the things you always felt the things in your life that made sense that you held on to that makes up who you are - are Gone!!!That is why when parents who have lost children hear “I want the old you back” “it’s been a year (a month 6 month-whatever) don’t you feel better yet?” “You are doing this to yourself you’re making it harder on yourself” “grief can become a selfish thing you know” we can only shake our heads and feel sadness and hopelessness because there is no way our lives will ever be like it was when our child was alive.
No wonder bereaved parents isolate themselves we are just trying to hold on. So were you able to imagine for 10 minutes what it must feel like? even 2 minutes is too long to imagine the unimaginable to feel the pain i would not wish it any anyone but did you get a sense of how Life changing it is?
Imagine you feel this 24/7 not even getting a moments relief from it! now go on and put on your favorite CD to listen to enjoy the music..go home and hug your child listen to them laugh watch her smile smell the scent that you know is them and please do not tell me how I should feel or that i am holding onto this or that my friends/family must be tired of watching me go through this because if you haven’t lost a beloved child of yours you haven’t got a clue.
Now when you hear these words “the presence of her absence is everywhere” will you finally understand

Dearest Stacy, You have created a wonderful site to honor your precious Austin.  It is a beautiful tribute to your love for Austin and your other children.  My heart breaks for your loss of a wonderful little boy!  Thank you for sharing his story and the family pictures.  I am in awe of the strength that you have demonstrated through this horrific ordeal.  I will always remember Austin and how he was so cherished by his family.

Love,

Stephanie

Stepping Stones
Come...take my hand the road is long
We must travel by stepping stones...
No...you're not alone...I'll go with you
I know the road well...I've been there
Don't fear the darkness...I'll be with you
We must take one step at a time
But remember...we may have to stop awhile
It is a long way to the other side
And there are many obstacles you must face

We have many stones to cross...some are bigger than others
Shock...denial...pain and anger to start
Then comes guilt...despair and loneliness
It's a hard road to travel but it must be done
It's the only way to reach the other side
Come...slip your hand in mine

What? Oh yes...it's very strong
I've held so many hands like yours
Once...you see...I had to take someone's hand
In order to take the first step
Oops! You've stumbled...go ahead and cry
Don't be ashamed...it's ok...I understand
Let's wait here awhile and get ! your breath
When you're strger we'll go on...one step at a time
There's no need to hurry...we have time on our side

Hey...it's so nice to hear you laugh again
Yes..I agree...
The memories you shared with me are good
They will live in you for all of eternity
Look...we're halfway there now
I can see the other side...it's so warm and filled with laugher and sunshine
Oh...have you noticed we're nearing the last stone
And you're standing alone...
And look...your hand...you've let go of mine
We've finally reached the other side...

But wait...look back...someone is standing there
They are alone and want to cross the stepping stones
I'd better go now...they need my help
What? Are you sure...
Why...yes go ahead...of course I'll wait
You know the way...you've been there
Yes...I agree it's your turn...my friend
To help someone else cross the stepping stones
~ Author unknown, copied from Wellesley Gardens

9 Months without you already and another holiday without you and it sucks. your birthday is around the corner and we should be making plans on how to celebrate 12 years with you not figure out how to spend the day not allowing myself to go nuts missing you so.

Todd and I have decided to celebrate your life here with us that day but have no clue how to do it as of yet and each time we try and set plans I cant even contimplate you not being here with us.

It seems like yesterday you were on your way to the bus stop but time keeps moving ahead and the pain still linger so strong. I wonder if it will ever get better or if I will always remain in this fog. I just miss you.

Your brothers and sister miss you Kota was asking aunt Lisa the other day if you could still love her from Heaven and Lisa and court assured her not only could you but you did. That you watch over us all every day and when we got home from work she came running to me to let me know she loved you and missed you but you were in heaven and loved her to the moon and back again. Seth misses you so hes so angry some days and other days he seems sad when your name is mentioned. Caleb is trying to be so strong but he misses having you around he hides it better then the other two but we see it.

Know you are never far from my thoughts and most days tears are not far from surfacing if I dont keep moving and keep them at bay. I love you today tomorrow and always. Sweet never ending dreams my pracious.

Love you

Love mom

I received this today when I opened my emails the day hit me spack in the face with the torn seperation of the moms within me the mom whos lost you and hurts so bad and the one who has other children who deserve to celebrate holidays with her. This email sent by another bereaved parent seems to say it all better then I could put into words today. I love you Austin and I miss you so very much. Thank you for allowing me the privilage of being your mom. Sweet Never Ending Dreams my precious boy  

Another “Mother’s” Day
By: John Plourde 2008

This poem is dedicated to all grieving moms

Another “Mother’s” Day without your loving child is here,
No matter how long since your child has died, the pain is always near.

I watch the expression on her face,
As she rises in the morning, something is out of place.

She tries to smile as she hides her terrible pain,
The tears in her eyes begin to fall like a gentle rain.

Mother’s Day was always a day of happiness and joyful bliss,
After her child’s death, she cries as she longs for their gentle kiss.

No more hand made cards or gifts to make her smile,
She treasures the past memories that will bring her peace for a little while.

Watching all those other children and families lovingly embrace their mom,
Leaves her feeling so jealous, angry and ready to explode like a bomb.

She can’t help feel like she is out of place,
You can see the sadness her face.

Her other children feel her deep pain too,
It is so hard, they know not what to do.

Their love for their mom will always be true,
She knows how much she is loved, though, she is blue.

Mother’s Day should be a day of enjoying her happy children behave,
Not a day of shedding tears at her beloved, dead child’s grave.

For all moms who had a child die,
We love you and understand why you cry.

We wish you much love, comfort and peace each and every day,
We know that you love and miss your beautiful child on,
Another “Mother’s” Day.

Austin I'm missing you so bad still and cant believe its been 7 months. Seems like yesterday most days and I still think I will wake and realize this is such a horrible dream and you'll be here in your bed sleeping till I wake you to go to school.

I got my butterflies but then you know that already. After I wrote this for you ......

Euphoric Release

As the needles go in and the pain begins the reasons for the ink becomes more clear
The pain in all areas is different and the levels of intensity very but as the pain builds the one thing I hear in my head is euphoric release
release the pain release the guilt release the hurt Ive felt.
Release the bad memories of shattered and broken and embrace his smile again
with each color and as the pain increases I find a simple pleasure inside myself
Im giving wings to my children Im giving color to there souls Im giving permanant and viewable honor to the beauty they give me.
And as my ribs sides back and bum burn the feeling of release is so intense that I can do nothing more then breath deeply and think of him.
My child is gone and the hurt is so real that being numb I cant anymore Its eating me up its bruising my soul and so I release in the pain I breath in deeply and cry his name and for once in a long time I can see his face
not broken and torn not swollen but him
his laughter I can hear in my ears
his smile I see as I feel his pressence in the euphoric release.
The pain goes on for hours on end and the feelings release with it from anger to fear to guilt and as it releases I feel lighter
I keep my focus to stay still and allow the process to heal my soul
intense pain euphoric release what better gift to give to me
to let go and pay respect
to feel again more then hurt
to see his face without the marks
to hear his laugh again in my ears
to let go and start to heal
euphoric release and nothing more.

the process is done seven hours of pain I hug the artist whos helped the healing and allowed me to honor through my body each child thats within my soul Im touched by the lightness my heart feels my skin burns my body aches but the pain is a simple euphoric release.

 I wish every day that you were here your brothers and sister mis you so and Kota and Seth rarely go a day without saying your name. Seth still wants to know when your coming home and why you can't jsut come hug him again. Kota looks for you still and when your not in the bedrooms or outside she goes to your photos and stares and says mum there's my Autin.

She reminds me of you so much shes so smart and quick witted and she prefers her left hand to do most things with. You tought her so much and she is expanding on that.

Seth asks for you most morning he gets in bed while I drink my coffee one of your old routines hes started and says mom when is austin coming home i miss him i want him to come hug me and it eats my heart every time.

Caleb well we know Caleb he keeps so quiet and doesn't say much but he looks at the photo collage I made him over his bed of the two of you most days I catch him just staring almost as if he wont say cause it may be upsetting to us both how bad he hurts for you still too.

We still get up every day. We still try and find normal and we miss you I MISS YOU. I love you my boy Sweet Never Ending Dreams

I saw that you wrote my Aunt a note regarding the passing of her son, my cousin William. I just want to say thank you for that. IT's nice to know that other people are out there that we can talk too and feel closer too.

I'm sure your son Austin was a wonderful son, friend and brother. He's is surely missed. I did not know him but from what I read he was a wonderful boy who loved the color green.

I wish your family well and I hope my family will connect with yours.

Thanks again for the letter on William's page.

-Amanda

After living a month with your family it seems like i have known you all your life.

I have driven past the small memorial that marks the fatal spot several times and shivers go up and down my spine as i nod my head and interiorize the fact that it happened right there.

I have interacted with your younger brothers and sister and easily come to the conclusion that your memory will never perish in their young heads as small Kota demands from mommy to kiss Austin before she goes nite nite.

I have swimmed in the hotel pool and have looked intensely at the spot where your picture was taken with that awesome smile.

I see how Caleb still looks at your pictures carefully hung on  the living room wall and sees his older brother to whom he most certainly looked up to and admired.

I see young Seth asking to kiss your picture on daddys neck chain trying to get out of some trouble he has put himself into.

I see how mommy and daddy's eyes shine as they speak of you and your memories and know that in their hearts they will love you to the moon and back again.

I see all of this and i get the awesome sensation that i have known you forever....May you Rest in Peace amongst the Angels in Heaven

If tears could build a stairway,
and memories were a lane,
I would walk right up to heaven
to bring you home again.
No farewell words were spoken
no time to say goodbye
you were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
My heart still aches in sadness
and secret tears still flow,
what it meant to lose you,
noone will ever know....
I am sorry for your loss